I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
