I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
