mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
