Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
