I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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