I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
