I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
