hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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