Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
