so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
sarcasm needs its own font
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
