You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
