as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
