At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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