And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
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Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
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One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize