??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
