Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
