FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
