I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
