My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
