you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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