My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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