Got a toothbrush?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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