I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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