either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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