I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
