My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
