I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
