Swine flu. Run for my life!
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
