I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
