WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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