I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
