when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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