btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
