From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
