An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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