You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
