Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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