My hand turned me down
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
