He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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