wakey wakey hands off snakey
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You were trust falling into bushes
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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