they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
