you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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