Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
