i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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