I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
