Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
