TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
