I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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