In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
