i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
