That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
