A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize