I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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