White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
