Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
