Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
