I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
