You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
