Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize